Post by adrianne on Mar 17, 2009 23:08:25 GMT -8
[/u] was helping me out by bringing me here. After seeing all those other people in the other rooms, I'm not so sure if I'm exactly crazy, yet, but would I be considered crazy for wanting to be here, in this cell. I don't like the staff, but I do want to be here. I much rather be here than out there, going back to the orphanage for the . . .September 27th, 1999I'm not crazy.I'm crazy.I'm not crazy.I must be crazy.I'm not crazy.There is no way that I'm crazy.
I think that I might be crazy ...
but not for the reason they think I'm crazy.
Quit being a little whore !! she said. Not every man in the world wants to rape you !! Especially John !! John would never do such a thing !!
Their precious little Johns and Kyles and Martins would never do such a thing, and then once they realize that they actually did do all of those horrible things ... it was my fault. They were never sick, like that, before I came along. What have I done? I changed their prince charmings into ferocious dragons. How could I do such a horrible thing?
If only they knew ... they're precious little prince was always a monster on the inside. They're all viscious beasts, just waiting for the right victim to unleash their sick fantasies on.
At least, that's what I told Dr. Cullen, when he asked me about my thoughts on men. He tried to reassure me, tested the false trust he thought that I had for him just because he's a doctor. "And me?" He asked. "Am I a monster, too?" I told him that was extra sick .. sick, super-sized. He had a fetish for the screaming psychos.
And now I'm in this room, all by myself, because I have a "deranged" view on men, and after further observation, they said that my view on this sick world was influencing my life in the real world. Yeah, the real world, because the world I'm in, the world of men who lash out their twisted fantasies onto me, isn't real.
I'm not crazy, they are. They're crazy and cruel for telling me that my world isn't real. My world is more real than any of the happy little places they live on. My world is real ... it's real ... Damnit, it is real. Why would I make a world like this up?
He said ... the doctor, he asked me. "Do you really think that John hurt you?"
I told him: Think? I know he did. I was there, you idiot. I saw the whole thing. I felt the whole thing, and I showed him a bruise on my arm that was shaped like a hand. It was from when he held me down, the size of the bruise had shrunk since then, but it was there. And the doctor had the nerve to ask me if I was sure that John did that. Was I sure? I asked him who else could've done it?
Then I told him to shut up. I didn't want to hear his answer, because I knew who he thought made that bruise. I think I might be crazy, but I know that I'm not a liar. I asked him when I could be locked up in one of those cells. He told me to follow the nurse.
I think they put the craziest ones in the rooms that you have to walk by, just to make this place seem scary. It's funny how a place like this, filled with screaming psychos, wouldn't invest in soundproof walls. They even put holes in the door that people can easily stick their arms out of, which is dangerous if you ask me ..
But don't ask me, because I'm a psychopathic liar.
There were people who screamed at me, tried to grab me through the bars in their windows, telling me that they wanted me. Some of them thought I was the devil. Others thought I was an angel. One lady actually got a hold of the back of my gown, and it took three nurses and a syringe filled with some liquid to get her to pass out and let go of me. She kept screaming that she wanted to save me from them. She wanted to hold me in her arms and keep all of the bad people away from me.
The nurse wasn't sure what to be shocked at, the lady trying to cuddle with me, or how I didn't have much of a reaction to it. She asked me if I was okay and checked my pluse. Normal, and I felt fine. The lady didn't mean any harm. What was the lady going to do, smother me to death? At least she wasn't screaming to beat me with a lamp.
Her eyes got really wide, and I just knew that this incident was going to be recorded in the notes.StacyStephanieSarahSusan
I guess it has only been 6 times that I've gone back to the orphanage, so far.
Anyways, I rather be here than near Mrs. Wilson, who is always so eager to give me off to some other family that seems like they would actually be nice this time. Thanks for trying, Mrs. Wilson, but I rather be in here, away from all of those ignorant women and the sick, twisted men they cherish oh-so-much.
I'm pretty sure that I'm not too crazy, yet, but I still would rather be in here, anyways.
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September 30th, 1999
I think I'm psychotic.
When I see people walking around, I don't think that I think "normal" thoughts about them. I was just remembering that the other day, before I came here, I saw this litte girl walking with some grown man, and the first thing I thought to myself was: "She better listen to that man and stop skipping so far ahead of him like that, or else he's going to rape her when she gets home."
And then I thought, well that was a stupid assumption ... he would've raped her even if she had listen to him.
Then I saw this lady at the market. She seemed really nice, with a pretty dress on and pearls and such. She had the biggest smile plastered on her face and I thought, "I wonder what her face would look like if she got shot." I remember what my face looked like, because I was in front of a mirror when he shot me. It was a horrifying face. You really don't know what it's like to get shot until ... you're shot. It hurt a lot. I wondered if she'd ever gotten shot before, but no. She probably didn't, of course. She seemed like a nice lady.
I think she should get shot once, just to know what it feels like.
. . . . .
Okay, I get it, now.
Maybe I am a little crazy.
October 2nd, 1999
They're letting me out today.
And get this .. I don't have to worry about John, because he's all locked up for what he did, and after I give my testimony, he's going to stay locked up for a long time.
Hmm, I wonder if he's sharing a cell with Mike ... or maybe Kyle. I wonder if Kyle's still in there ... how many years in jail was his punishment, again? I knew it was shorter if he showed good behavior.
Anyways ... Thanks, Susan. Now I get to go back to the orphanage and wait for another set of parents to take me home.
Damn, and I was just starting to get comfortable in here, too.
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