Don't Look at Me. [02-14-2002~02-15-2002]

[adrianne]

Feburary 14th, 2002

I knew Christine wouldn't fall for the phantom. Why would she go after such an ugly creature when her other option was prince charming?

I've never seen a boy someone scream so loud. I don't even think I screamed that loud when Kyle pinned me down to the floor and told me that girls and boys had sex all the time. I might've screamed louder, I don't know, I can't remember. I was really young, then.

I tried to warn him. I told him I wasn't beautiful like he thought I was. He's an idiot for not believing me. "Shh..." He tried to coo me with, which didn't work, by the way. He sounded so much like Kyle when he shhed me. I hate it, but he tried to reassure me and say, "If you weren't beautiful, would I have been with you for two months, already?"

I tried to warn him. I pointed out that he hasn't seen me naked, yet, but he just laughed and told me that today we were supposed to work on that part.

I told him .... I told him .... I told him not to look, but he just wouldn't listen to me, and he was annoying me so much about it. He wouldn't stop telling me I was beautiful. He thought I was acting like one of the skinny cheerleaders, who knew they were pretty but only said they were ugly for attention purposes.

DAMNIT! I TRIED TO TELL HIM!!

I told him that I was really ugly, I wasn't lying. I had scars ... so many scars.

He refused to believe me.


So, I took off my clothes, and I showed him all 23 scars . . .

Feburary 15th, 2002

I'm not beautiful, and I'm not saying that just because I'm a hormonal teenager who wants attention, because I'm not a hormonal teenager who just wants attention. I really am ugly. On the outside ... on the inside. I don't know why Shawn asked me to be his girlfriend in the first place. I wouldn't want to be in love with myself.

I'm not angry with him for not looking at me today. It's understandable why he wouldn't talk to me. After last night, I could see why he wanted nothing to do with me, anymore. Literally ... everyday, when I catch myself looking back into a mirror, I can see why.

But ... he said he loved me. I thought that love was when you accepted someone for who they are, even their faults, right? I mean, that's what I always see in the movies Stupid me, I should know by now that all of that shit is fake. Love isn't accepting someone with their faults. Love is ... love is ... . . .

Well, I don't know what love is, but if it was anything like last night, I don't want any part of it. Stupid Valentines Day. I don't know why we had to try to be all romantic with each other and have sex. Ugh, but I kept trying to tell him that I was a lot better looking with my clothes ON. Why didn't he believe me? Why didn't he just leave me alone about it?

It's better this way, him not being with me. I just hope that I didn't make him scared of seeing other girls naked. Not everyone is ugly . . . it's just me. I'm not made to be pretty for anyone . . .

I read the script to the Phantom of the Opera in class, today. I don't see why people pick on him, the phantom, so much. He was a brilliant person, and if you ask me, he wasn't that ugly. It was just that one half of his face, and he made sure he covered it up for people, because he was considerate. He knew they wouldn't want to see that part of him. They're the evil ones .. Christine and Raoul and all of the other people. They couldn't just leave his mask on, and why? For what purpose? Because they had to know ... they just had to be so stubborn, like Shawn ...

They couldn't just leave him alone. And stupid Christine. She's the worst of them all. She couldn't have just loved him with his scars. No, the second she saw him, she ran .. and told him that it wasn't because of his face ...

This haunted face holds no horror for me now.
It's in your soul, where the true distortion lies.

Oh shut up, Christine. And it's your words, their words, their fearful actions against him, the way they disowned him from society ... Jeeze, I wonder why the Phantom turned out to be all fucked up emotionally. He was born with the haunted face, you all conditioned his personality to be the way it was.

You couldn't just leave him alone.
You can't just leave me alone?




Just leave me alone . . .